Revising with Williams

"Course changes are located within the course description. Just click on the course to display any changes that may have occurr ed"-original sentences.

Course changes are located within the course description. Clicking on the course, will display any changes that may have occurred.-revision

It seems that the writer is writing more like he or she is speaking. The word "just" in the sentence is an unnecessary word. This word would work if the writer was having a phone conversation or speaking the someone in person. When giving directions in writing, I think that they should be more direct. In chapter 3, Williams' discusses "Cohesion." This may not be an exact example, but I think that this sentence relates to "Meaning Subjects and Topics for Flow." This sentence relates to the second sentence, referring back to the first sentence.


"We want to make you aware of the features and tools for both current and prospective students in the new online catalog that were not previously available."-original sentence

In the updated online catalog, we want to make current and new students aware of the new features and tools.-revision


The original sentence does not come together for me. I do not understand what the writer is trying to get across. The word "prospective" also confused me because I was not sure if the writer was referring to new students or a particular group of students. I am assuming that the writer is referring to new students or students that might be interested in enrolling at Eastern Michigan University. The revision sentence seems to flow better. Instead of using the word"new," I used the word"updated." As a current student, I know that the online catalog resource is not "new,"in a sense . I think that this sentence relates to "Clarity" which is found in chapter two of Williams' Style. On page 23, Williams writes, "If you find(1) you have to go more than six or seven words into the sentence to get past the subject to the verb and (2) the subject of the sentence is not one of your characters, take a hard look at the sentence; its characters and actions probably do not align with subject and verbs." This statement is very true of the original sentence. I think that the subject of the sentence is "the new catalog," but to find that I had to read this sentence three of four times. The verb of this sentence is still unclear to me, but by rewriting this sentence, I have a better understanding of it.